All this Western culture is not helping anybody.



I am supposed to tag other people after answering this but truthfully, I cannot be bothered. Please tag yasef if you feel so inspired. Thanks.

  1. Are you named after anyone?                                             Nope! An original is what I am.

2. When was the last time you cried?                              Hmmmm…. lemme see. Okay! About 8 months ago – someone said some seriously hurtful things to me.

3. Do you have kids?                                                                  In real life – not yet. In my dreams, like eleven. Or nineteen. The number usually varies with my mood.

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?!                                                                                  Borofcos Hian! How is this even a question?

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot?                                                 Sarcasm is the palm oil with which silly questions are eaten.

6. What is the first thing you usually notice about people?       The way they dress, I believe.

7. What is your eye color?                                                        A sexy shade of brown.

  8. Scary movie or happy endings?                                             Happy endings all the damn time mehnn. Although… idea of a happy ending sometimes differs from that of the general public.

9. Favorite smells?
The smell of cake in the oven. Cake is my biggest weakness ever.

10. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?           I have often found myself on other continents.

11. Do you have any special talents?
Are there any of my talents that aren’t special? That is the question.

12. Where were you born?                                                                In the cold and quiet city of Jos.

13. What are your hobbies?                                                        I love to read and write. And stalk people on social media.

14. Do you have any pets?                                                         Nope 

15. Do you have any siblings?                                                      Two

What do you want to be when you grow up?                                    I am already grown up, uncle. And I am what I’ve always wanted to be.

17. Who was your first best friend?

18. How tall are you?                                                                           I am only beht 5 feet, 7 inches.

19. Funniest moment throughout school?                              School of nearly a decade ago? My dear, I cannot remember biko.

20. How many countries have you visited?                        Excluding my home country, three. Four if you count the two-hour stopover at Addis Ababa one year like that.

21. What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?
My favourite was a tie between English and Maths. For my worst I’d have to say Chemistry. Strange that I went on to become a doctor.

22. What is your Favorite drink?                                                         I really am not much of a drinker of anything -including water. 

23. Animal? Perfume?                                                                          Kittens; Rebelle by Rihanna, for now.

24. What would you (have you) name your children?                         I’m planning to cross that bridge only when I get there.

25. What Sports do you play/Have you played?                       Riding a bicycle? Does that count?

26. Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?                        Hian! Biko olee nke n’aza You Tubers again? I originally thought I saw yam tubers and was wondering…

27. How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?               I jump and pass….

28. Favorite memory from childhood?                                         Ice-cream at Chicken George; Friday afternoon shopping at Modern Bookshop. Them plenty.

29. How would you describe your fashion sense?              Cultivated.

30. What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)
Android babyyyy…..all the way.

31.Tell us one of your bad habits!
I have this thing where I refuse to answer questions that have the potential to reduce my bride price.

32. What would you consider the most important quality in a partner.

He would have to be a Jesus lover too. I have no desire to be hitched to anyone that would be following Jesus to drag my attention. I no get power.

33. Public proposal or private dinner?

Just inbox me the question and then transfer the ring money to my bank account. I am too old for fanfare.

34. Rich or romantic?

Will he die if he is both, abeg? Why do I have to choose?

35. Best thing that happened to you this year?

I fell in love afresh (and not what you are thinking).


She was beautiful.

There’s really no other way to describe it. She was so beautiful it hurt to stare. Her smile seemed to light up the entire room and it was so readily available. She smiled at everything.

“Brothers and sisters,” our cell leader announced, interrupting my reverie just in time for me to clamp my jaws shut and disappoint the fly that was stealthily making its way in the direction of my mouth.

 “We have a new member in the house. Please welcome sister T.”

After fellowship everyone rallied around to greet her. I pretended to be engrossed with something in my manual but all the while watching from the corners of my eyes for when the crowd would thin out. When I deemed the coast to be clear I made my way towards her.

She saw me approach and rewarded me with another 100 megawatt smile.

“Hi.” I said and swallowed loudly before I could stop myself. “I’m Brother J.”

“Good evening  J,” she answered.  “It’s great to meet you.” She extended her right hand and as I took it I thought I saw her eyes flicker to my left hand. For the first time, I cursed the piece of jewellery that branded it’s fourth finger.


For five full years, I waited.

Five years might not seem like a long time now, but at the time it ranked right up there with eternity.

At twenty seven, I had a master’s degree and a really good job with a multinational company. Nice house, nice car, and the next natural thing was to add a nice wife to the mix. Everyone in the world thought so too.

I never missed the sound of anticipation in my mother’s voice whenever I rang her and she answered the phone.

“Jboy, how now. Any good news?”

My mother was never one for beating about the bush.

“Na wa o, mummy. I cannot call to just greet you again?”

The call never lasted beyond a couple of minutes after that and I always heard it even though she never verbalised it:

What are you calling for when you have no good news for somebody. What will I do with your greeting?

It is not as if there were no women. There were loads of them traipsing in and out of my life, my office, my home. More than I cared for, actually. There were the church girls, the career women, the club girls even.But I knew what I wanted and none of them was it.

I wanted a girl who loved the Lord as much as I did. One for whom God was not an option but the very essence of life. I wanted an ambitious woman too. To the rest of the world I had arrived but in my heart I knew I’d only just started. I had such big dreams and I wanted someone who would help me birth them.

Too many girls thought that marrying a man of means meant they could sit down and cross their legs and become oriaku but I wanted none of that.

I wanted a woman who could hold her own, intellectually, financially, the whole works. And this might make me sound vain but I wanted her beautiful as well. Smoking hot! I wanted to be the envy of every man in the room whenever I walked in with her.

I did not think I was asking too much. Everything I wanted, I believed I also was so it did not seem like a tall order. At first.

But one year became two and three and then four. Pressure was mounting both from within and without: family and friends had abandoned subtlety and had begun asking pointed questions and quite frankly, I was tired of holding body. There was just too much temptation prancing around.

In my fifth year of waiting, praying and believing, I met my wife. I had just bought a house and moved out of my old neighbourhood and consequently I switched to a branch of my church that was closer my new home.

My first Sunday I asked to join the department I had served with at my old church and I was told to wait to see the HOD. As it turned out he had not been in church that day so his assistant came to have a chat with me.

She was very pleasant, soft spoken and a bit shy. We talked for a bit and she gave me a form to fill. I did not really think about her again after I left, until we ran into each other at midweek service.

I was not particularly attracted to her initially until I began to notice she was interested in me. She was alright except that she just didn’t fit with my idea of what my wife would be like. For one she hardly ever spoke unless she needed to and chatting with her used to be quite arduous.

But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, our friendship grew and I began to see her in a new light. I prayed about her and did not hear anything from God to discourage me so I decided to take her along to visit my mother one day: 

I was dropping her off one evening after our departmental meeting and on our way, I acted like I needed to drop off something at my mother’s and asked if she would mind my doing so before taking her home. She didn’t.

…….to be continued…..


The way Christians (especially from my part of the world) react to challenges. Two of such reactions are quite popular and hit pretty close to home.

I shall call the first, The Guilt Trip.     This one is born of the misguided impression that challenges occur because one has ‘sinned’. Some of us actually have a record of every single challenges we ever faced and the particular sin for which that was a punishment. A typical reaction to any difficult situation would be to plead with God to forgive any sins committed unknowingly.

There are just so many verses in the Bible that show how little anyone who thinks in that way actually knows God, but that discussion could easily become an entire post by itself.

I will however, point to the very obvious fact that this mindset suggests that if one is in ‘right standing’ (these terms are in quotes for a reason) with God then their lives would be challenge-free.

I cannot think of anything that is furthest from the truth. And since uncle satan is still the unopposed champion of the title “father of lies”, I will go out on a limb here and say that is a lie from hell.

The second group are a personal favourite and I call them The Devil’s Advocates.

These ones are convinced that trials are spiritual attacks and the remedy is usually deliverance/spiritual cleansing and midnight warfare aka negotiating terms and conditions of hostage release with the devil.

(These ones are clearly unfamiliar with the concept of not negotiating with terrorists).

For the longest time, I struggled with believing this because it just made the devil appear too powerful. More powerful than God. I never understood how “if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed,” and yet you were still somehow Satan’s to harass whenever the mood hit him.

It was one of the many things I grew up hearing but struggling to understand – until, of course, I realised it was yet another lie of the devil.

The thing is, a good number Christians ‘mis-react’ to challenges because they never did learn to think like God.

Where people say challenge, God says opportunity. Now if one was presented with an opportunity they would not think it was because they had done something wrong or that it was the devil’s handwork.

The problem if one does not recognise an opportunity is that they cannot take advantage of it, and then something which was meant to lead to a breakthrough ends as yet another setback.

There’s a story in the Bible which I believe illustrates this beautifully.

Joseph’s story.

So, basically daddy’s pet, future looking good but had these rather grandiose ideas which pissed his brothers off big time (it was bad enough that their father did not bother to hide the fact that he loved Joseph best, but for the boy to wake up one morning and start saying silly things like when he grew up his elder brothers would be bowing to him. See trouble o)!

One day brothers decided they’d had enough of his nonsense and sold him off. Setback abi? Well, God did not think so.

Imagine our people giving Joseph advice when he became a slave.

How could you say things like that to your seniors biko? It is simply not done. See now God is punishing you for your insolence.

Well, he did not do badly in Potiphar’s house and he began to rise and things started looking up. Ah maybe God had forgiven him finally. There was yet hope.

Then the boy found himself in prison! Our spiritual warriors would have gone into battle mode.

Pray Joseph, pray! This is household wickedness. It must be from your mother’s family. Remember your grandfather them were kuku idol worshippers. See how your mother died naa. After years of barrenness, God finally pitied her and just after two sons, when she would have started enjoying her marriage, they killed her.

Now they have come for you. See your life now, when it looks like you want to start rising they just do something to bring you down.

Am I the only one who keeps wondering who ‘they’ are? The average Nigerian Christian has more enemies than the entire nation of America.

And has anyone else noticed how there’s always something to justify that belief. If the person is doing well then of course there must be enemies because, haters. If they are not doing well nko? Well then what other evidence do you need? Is that not the handwork of enemies?

If you come from my part of the world you of course know that nothing has any natural causes.

Your headache is not because you have not been sleeping well due to the heat, mosquitoes and generator noise. It must be an attack! Shebi last night you even had one funny dream like that….

Your knee issues have nothing to do with your (ample) weight. That job you didn’t get? Definitely spiritual forces from your village, not that there were more qualified candidates than you at the interview.

But I digress.

So poor Joseph would probably have been subjected to 40 days’ dry fasting, night vigil and deliverance prayers. He would have spent night after night demanding that the devil release his destiny.

And the devil would have been thinking to himself  that if the kind destiny dey him hand you for still dey here? Abeg if somebody has seven billion destinies in his hands to destroy, will he be wasting time doing hide and seek with one person. Is it not point and kill and on to the next one?

I also find something interesting: when Joseph tried to hustle his way out, see how it didn’t work? Remember, when he asked the king’s cupbearer to put in a good word for him with the king? The guy left prison and totally forgot there was anybody called Joseph – until God decided it was time.

God is not in the business of sharing His glory.

Before tomorrow now somebody will say it was their sharpness and quick thinking that saved them from rotting in prison.

But at the end we see how every ‘setback’ only propelled him closer to his destiny.

The Bible tells us how to react whenever we encounter challenges (when, not if) and I think we would do well to pay heed- it’s author happens to know what He’s talking about.

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.



I have only recently come to a realisation: there will always be women who believe house work is a wife’s primary responsibility just as there are men who believe a wife’s worth is not much if she does not cook, clean and scrub.

And nothing is wrong with that.

As long as such men marry such women, all will be well. Because the most important thing is the happiness of the individuals in the union, and happiness is in the mind.

That was, after all, the way I was raised, being African and all. It was only after some 30 years of evolution that I adopted the views that I now hold. Personally, I will do domestic chores for only as long as I cannot afford help. As soon as I can afford it, I do not plan to lift another broom or scrub another pot in my life.

I have visions of travelling the world with my cute little family and building an empire- or two- with my partner. I do not have plans of prematurely acquiring  wrinkles or always being too tired to take proper care of my body.

I plan to be the mother that gets back from work and does homework with the children, reads to them and can still spend hours ‘gisting’ with the hubs. I know only too well that all these dreams can very easily remain dreams if one has to first ‘branch’ to the market and then come back to make soup after sitting hours in traffic. I ain’t about that life biko.

Finally, I so want out of the rat race. I believe there is so much more to my life than a cycle of work -cook-clean-baff children -sleep-wake up-work….. until children leave home and I retire, by which time I’m probably already too old to enjoy the kain life and all I have to look forward to are aso-ebi and omugwo. Chukwu aju biko.

I also know that I am not the only one who thinks this way and that I shall marry someone like me, one of these days. The only problem would be if somebody in category A and another person in my category decided to marry. But if people would stay in their lanes and attach themselves to people with whom they were compatible, all these daily debates they are constantly using to block somebody’s road on social media would be completely unnecessary.

To whom brain is given…..


I wish people would stop arguing about their faith. It usually achieves nothing but ill feelings. I have not heard of a single convert who was won over by argument.
Faith, by it’s definition, defies logic so a person’s faith usually comes from a deep-seated conviction more than anything else.1465055689472[1]

If someone thinks they came from monkeys or mosquitoes, allow them. If they think Christianity is a scam which the West invented in order to deceive and colonise Africa, nwanne do you think your arguing will change their minds?
These arguments never look good on us- nor on the God we so gallantly seek to defend. Even the Bible says we should win people over with our conduct.1465056192592[1]  Conviction is the job of the Holy Spirit, biko allow Him to do His work. No epp am.
We all screamed blue murder when a woman was beheaded in Kano, but I thought about it and realised that sometimes, we are closet murderers ourselves. When we tell somebody that the hottest part of hell has been reserved for them because they challenged our beliefs, nwanne, what shall we call that one?
The same Bible we are trying to defend says that anyone who hates his brother is guilty of murder, so we would do well to judge ourselves first.1465056596619[1]

I believe the thing to do if we are convinced someone is going the wrong way would be to pray for them, talk to them and let our lights shine……

1465056960202[1] But for heaven’s sake not to argue with them. The Bible does not even permit us to argue amongst ourselves ya foduzia…..


The truth is we are all going to die (hopefully, nobody dey follow argue that one). And when we die everyone will find out for themselves who was right and who was wrong. O tan.



I have only recently discovered- and rather painfully at that- that help can only be of value if it is given on the terms of the helped not the helper. I find that more often than not, a lot of our ‘good deeds’ serve more to pacify nagging consciences than any true altruistic purposes.

I will give a rather simplistic but very apt example:

Supposing one had a neighbour who lived from hand to mouth- and had only 2 hands but had to feed 6 mouths- and one lived in opulence. Many of us would struggle with a misplaced sense of guilt at the unfairness of this disparity, and try to assuage this guilt by say, giving them foodstuff once in a while or sending them some of our children’s outgrown clothes.

We might have noticed that the son had worn the same pair of trousers to school for the last 3 years despite having grown just as many inches or that they wore the same shoes to church and school everyday. What we may never have bothered to find out was that they were quite content with their threadbare, but decidedly clean, clothes and that they didn’t really mind eating beans for supper every night.

We may not know, because we did not think to ask, that all they really needed was money to fix a leaky roof because it got rather uncomfortable whenever it rained or someone to help baby sit the two youngest children during the week so their mother could attend night classes and finally get a degree.

Sometimes, help rendered on our own terms is no help at all and then we wonder why we don’t get as much gratitude as we think we deserve.

I have reached a resolution: to find out what my beneficiary needs and then try to help in that way. It might not always be convenient to give what is actually needed but then again, giving is not supposed to be convenient either.


Rule Number Four#

Ensure that you utilise every given opportunity to save money for The Organisation even if it is just twenty naira. The Lord who sees in secret will reward you openly, but since you have no intentions of waiting until the Lord’s reward comes, you have to bring your penny-pinching efforts to oga’s notice so that he can reward you in a more timely fashion.

Of course, since money saving opportunities do not manifest themselves regularly you might on occasion have to create them by yourself. It may only mean that some people are cheated out of their dues once in a while but that is simply what is called ‘collateral damage’. All is fair in love and war……and corporate climbing.

Rule Number Five#

You have to (in fact it is highly imperative that you) learn to ‘talk the talk.’

All your little speeches need to be peppered with terms like ‘goodwill, above and beyond, etc etc’. This will be a useful tool if you are to execute rule number four effectively.

For instance, when you are trying to make an argument against paying a staff member for working outside their job description or regular hours, it will go something like, “members of staff are encouraged to go above and beyond, hence should not expect to be paid for working outside their normal shifts.”

These altruistic words of yours are sure to reach oga’s ears through the extremely efficient ‘Information Network’ but in order not to leave anything to chance (or somebody’s selective amnesia) ensure that these thoughts are conveyed via email and copied to everyone that matter- including the man at the top.

If however, you happen to be the affected member of staff, you reserve the right to pull out the employee handbook or the Nigerian constitution (whichever has what you need) and defend your right to be duly compensated for taking on a responsibility that was not primarily yours.

The truth is, with all the huge ‘sacrifices’ you have been making for the betterment of The Organisation a few grand here and there is the least they could do as a token of their appreciation. Rest assured that within 24 hours an email from the top would have been sent to the accounts people, titled ‘APPROVED.’

By this time, you are definitely on cruise control and have earned even more unofficial titles as the ‘Teeth, Hair and Nails of oga when he is not on ground.’

Unfortunately, because of all the evil people on this earth and the witches in your village who will not just let you be great, you will have to learn one more very important rule:

Rule Number Six#

Thou shalt must acquire the ability to go from 0 to 180 in 0.00015 seconds flat.

Let me illustrate.

There are times when some of your back-biting will backfire through no fault of yours (yes, despite the fact that you spend your entire Wednesday evenings in church binding, casting and laminating all the witches in your village, some of these witches are unnecessarily stubborn and some of them even have friends who come to loosen them at night after you have wasted precious hours binding).

For example, you may one day accidentally learn that one of your colleagues whom you have been running down incessantly, is in fact a very important fixture in oga’s bed life. I know that these discoveries can be heart-breaking and there would come with them the temptation to go and confess your sins to the Lord and pray for pardon. DO NOT give in to that foolish temptation. It is from the pit of hell! If we were going to go the christian way, would we not have gone from the beginning ni? Is it after all this effort when one is about to eat the fruit of one’s labour that they will now allow one annoying conscience to come and pour sand sand in one’s garri?


My brethren, if you find yourself in such a position do not fret, the solution is simple: Do a rapid 180.! Immediately turn from chief castigator to bosom friend. In fact, bosom friend, cheerleader and confidante. And this will be surprisingly easy because when that discovery becomes an open secret, aunty-important-fixture will suddenly find herself at the receiving end of a lot of ‘beef.’ People who could not stand each other before will unite against this ‘enemy/usurper.’ Luckily, this will leave a very big loop hole which you could easily fill because at this time, aunty will need all the allies she can get and will not think twice about forgiving your earlier transgressions and becoming BFFs with you.

Beggars cannot be choosers.

During that time a lot of secrets will be leaked to you. I cannot say it is your responsibility to leak those secrets to the world but if you had the habit of controlling your tongue in the first place, you would not have climbed this high. So if you, via circumstances beyond your control, happen to say more than you should, do not worry. It is not a treasonable felony.

Keep your calm while vehemently abusing the person who spread the gist which he heard from the person that was told by the person that was told by the person you told not to tell anybody. In any case, aunty would probably get the bulk of the blame anyway, because who told her to go and open her mouth and be telling you of all people all her innermost secrets. Serves her right!

In conclusion, Dearly Beloved, wisdom, they say, is the application of knowledge. With this abundance of knowledge that has been made available to you on a platter of gold, there should be nothing that can stand in the way of you and your ambition.

If however, you are a holy-nweje who cannot condescend to such levels, and you stubbornly kept reading even after you were warned very early to desist; and you continue to knock other people’s hustle and complain about how their ways are not pure and bla bla bla, all I have for you is this very sound advice from my paternal great aunt’s first cousin, twice removed:

“If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!”



Dear brethren, it is a jungle out here and in the jungle, there is only one rule- eat or be eaten! Only the fittest survive and the rest end up as suya or kilishi.

Now every organisation has its idiosyncracies but generally speaking, there are two globally recognised ways of making one’s way up the corporate ladder however precariously that ladder might be sitting (abi standing):

Number one is the highway aka tying the two wrappers and gele of patience a la Joseph in the bible, and waiting for divine favour.

Way number two is for my less patient brethren and involves going the whole political nine yards of scheming, ass kissing, and back-biting your way to the top.

If you belong to the former group, kindly desist from reading beyond this point; if, however you are not above a few under-handed gimmicks in order to get the recognition you believe you so richly deserve, then I have been sent to reveal to you the Good News.

Rule Number One#

When oga-at-the-top calls to discuss an issue (and trust me, he will. It is part of “The Organisation’s” rite of passage for any newcomer and its essence is to “test the waters” aka find out if this one is a potential stooge/monitoring spirit assistant or an unambitious duller). So, as I was saying, when he does call please do not stupidly imagine he called to hear whatever pathetic opinions you might have on the matter (unless they happen to be the same as his own in which case, carry go!). The proper line to toe in this situation is to purchase the best massaging device available and properly massage his ego. Comments like “everything you do think and say is right, sir.” “You speak the mind of the gods, sir.” “You know all things sir,” are the way to go.

Remember, the question is totally irrelevant. When it is not like he has lost the phone number of his family members that he would now decide to call you to hear your opinion. Giving opinions, solicited or otherwise, is the prerogative of family biko. Statements that begin with “honestly, if you ask me sir,” should be permanently banned from your vocabulary. Who is asking you?

Rule Number Two#

If you do manage to scale the first hurdle, whether by accident, design or default, there will come a time when oga-at-the-top will call you to get “information”.

*side-bar: this is the official nomenclature. It is also known on the streets as tatafo, asiri, aproko. Yes oga indulges in this on a regular and although he insists that he needs the ‘information’ to keep abreast of goings-on since he is not ‘on ground’, we all know better*

Now on the fateful night that this call does come through (and yes o, it is always at night. You know nothing pure happens after dark), kindly do not waste too much time giving foolish situation reports like “we finished the proposal today and we have decided to visit the bla bla bla…..” Is that what we are here for?

Look my brother/sister, the more scandalous the gist, the better for your career o. If oga says “what do you think of Mr X,” he does not care if Mr X is finally getting the hang of writing case formulations or that you have been grooming X to start running groups from next week. *yawn*

Something along the lines of “Hmmmm… This Mr X sha. I don’t know o, but somebody that does not know how to do a simple BPS instead of sitting to learn, spent the whole afternoon gisting with that fine female support worker (*insert name here*). And I hear he’s been hovering around the store since they brought in those new UDT kits o. In fact I think you should send an email to the store guys to send you a report on the number of UDT kits we currently have.”

That last bit is also very important because you want to show that in addition to keeping your ears to the ground you also have overwhelming concern for the well-being of The Organisation and are quick thinking too.

Also note that the information you gave about Mr X does not have to be completely true. In fact, it does not have to be true at all. As long as you were able to give oga ‘information’ as well as demonstrate your abilities, dass all o. Oga does not care and neither should you. And if it is any consolation, absolutely nothing will happen to Mr X because:

i) chances are oga is also using Mr X to get ‘information’ about you.

ii) UDT kits will be counted as per your recommendation and will be found complete so nurrin spoil.

So you see win-win! You would have risen several notches in oga’s estimation and that much closer to your coveted position (whatever that might be) and nobody would have to suffer for a crime they didn’t commit…..or at least, not yet.

Rule Number Three#

At this time, you would have gained status as oga’s ‘person’ but do not imagine you can now rest on your oars. Mba o! The kingdom suffereth violence my brethren; do not be like the proverbial sluggard lest somebody come and collect sleep from your eyes.

From time to time, you are to make use of your monthly call credit allocation (which you were previously using to call that foolish boy who has refused to take a hint and change your phone for you) to call the oga and give him ‘informations’ on the goings-on around the office. By this time, of course you know the kind of ‘information’ that would be required.

However, seeing as the aim of this exercise is to consolidate your ambition not just discredit other people, it would be important to chip in vital information about yourself too. E.g

“MD sir, due to the fact that Madam K has not been keeping proper records at all, I have had to close 3 hours after the usual time for the last 2 weeks in order to ensure that accounts are balanced.” Conveniently forget to mention that there were in fact, 3 of you who stayed back till 8 o clock and that the bulk of your reason for staying behind was that Brother Y had chosen to work over-time and he was your ride home.

And by the next morning, there will be a strongly worded email from oga to Madam K asking her to submit all her reports no later than 30 seconds from the time the email was sent and ensure that she copies everybody in her email, including the intern who came to learn ‘accounting work’ yesterday.

Much later, there will be another email sent to everyone where your name would be casually mentioned followed by a commendation on your dedication and conscientiousness. At this time, oga go don find one nickname for you eg Ide ji mba (hire a translator if you are lost) or iya “The Organisation” (again, go find translator).

I will continue tomorrow biko. Sleep!!!!!!