When God says “the plans I have for you are of good and not evil,” we proclaim it, confess it and act like we believe it. But we do not.
Because if we did we would not insist on having our own way so often and short-change ourselves so badly.
If we believed like we profess, we would wait. Patiently. Knowing that regardless of how things appeared at the time, we would ultimately get to our expected end.
But we did not believe. So what did we do? We let our pitifully ignorant minds make our decisions for us. We went with ‘feeling’ as if we did not have a much better alternative.
We repeated the same cycle of trauma year in year out despite vowing “that time was the last”. We knew better but stubbornly refused to do better.
If only we had believed like we claimed we did.
We would have had this blessing, probably earlier, and without the regretful memories of heartbreak after heartbreak.
This victory did not at all need to come riding on the wings of tear-soaked pillows, sleepless nights and 007 activity.
It could have come peacefully, painlessly and with dignity intact.
But I am still grateful Lord. More so because You still make everything work together for our good. Mistakes, outright stupidity and all.
No one is wiser than God. Even if they have all the knowledge and experience of a thousand years.
My pastor once said that human beings tend to become self acclaimed experts whenever they meet anyone going through a difficult period, and I chuckled at how true that statement was.
Recent events have taught me so many valuable life lessons one of which is that the fact that my plans or decisions worked for me does not make me an authority on the affairs of others for whom things have not worked – yet.
I say yet because when you think about it, it’s not over until it’s over. The race does not necessarily go to the one who took off first. Like they say in church, “overtaking is allowed”. Think, are the most celebrated people on earth right now the ones who started off first?
I realise now that it is painfully short sighted to think that the fact that one is currently on the move means they will get to their destination before others who may still be tying their shoe laces.
The Bible puts it so aptly in the books of Ecclesiastes and Romans:
The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all (Ecc 9:11)
It is not of him that willeth or runneth but of the Lord that sheweth mercy.(Rom 9:16)
He went through a period of extreme hardship orchestrated for the sole purpose of testing his loyalty to God. But when his friends came, purportedly to commiserate with him, what did they do instead?
They were so certain that they knew the cause of his misfortune and its solution. They just ‘knew’ he must have secretly sinned against God and was being punished for those sins. Yet it was one of them who rightly declared:
God does not do evil (Job 34:12)
Pride can prevent us from recognising truth even when it is coming out of our own mouths.
In Job 42:7, God declared that He was angry with Job’s friends because they had not spoken the truth about Him. Deep.
They who thought they had spent 35 chapters defending God, and it was with them He was actually annoyed. Irony that is life. And they had to offer sacrifices and get the very same Job to pray for them so they would be spared.
You see how God resists the proud?
This is the kind of trouble into which over sabi can land somebody.
It is oh so tempting, when things are going well for us, to haughtily survey the (temporarily) less fortunate from beneath our noses and pronounce that they are doing everything wrong and if they would just do as we did things would go well for them too.
What then do we say to the ones who have done all we did (perhaps even more) and still have not done as well?
The Lord chose the things considered foolish by the world in order to put to shame those who considered themselves wise.(1 Cor 2:17).
Then imagine if your own temptation dey wait for you for front. After you must have whine mouth finish on top another person own.
I sit this evening and repent of every over sabi and tatafo-induced advice I have ever offered; for every time I have ever looked at someone and said I could never be them because I was too wise/smart/spiritual to get myself in that situation.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.(Is 55:9)
1. People’s husbands with zero self respect.
Persistently flirting despite all the non-encouragement, and sometimes thinly veiled insuts, they are getting. God deliver us from entering any type of covenant with shameless somebodies!
2. Social media stalkers whose job is to comment on your every status update and/or appoint themselves your very own personal time keeper. Your whatsapp chats be looking like I don’t know:
Them: good morning
You: good morning
4 hours later….
Them: good afternoon
Them: good evening, dear
You: same to you
Much, much later:
Will update list as more annoying things come to mind.
I am currently obsessed with Bride and Prejudice. It’s a 2004 remake of Jane Austen’s novel but I happen to have only just seen it.
I have seen it about ten times in less than a week and I find myself going over my favourite scenes several times a day. *Heehee*
The last time I had a similar obsession was two years ago when I saw Contract. I didn’t write about it though, only gushed about the lead actor here. And that’s the thing about my movie obsessions, they usually include a massive crush on the male lead.
Why I am obsessed with B&P (as I discovered it’s been nicknamed):
#The brightness and colour as one reviewer put it. I love colour. That’s why I loved Bend It Like Beckham. I love this East meets West thing Chadha does.
#The romance story. Been a sucker since I was born and life has not cured me apparently.
#Aishwarya Rai! Her beauty is enough to make anyone stare at the screen for hours and she is a good actress too. Or maybe I’ve been so traumatized by the underwhelming excuse for acting in Nollywood that any semblance of passable acting gets 3 thumbs up from me. Don’t ask me where the extra digit comes from. Just take it like that and be going.
#Still on Ash….. the first time I saw her was sometime in ’07 when she became the face of L’Oreal I think. I just kept gushing about how ‘mammy-water’ like her beauty was. Everything about her face is so perfect. And since then, I sometimes think to myself how I’ve never seen anyone else as beautiful as she is. When I read online that in some quarters she is referred to as the most beautiful woman in the world (and not just because she was Miss World ’94), I found myself vigorously nodding in agreement. Nne the nwa amaka. Dazz all.
#I love not-too-serious feel good movies. That’s usually my first question whenever anyone recommends a movie.
“Oh you’ll like it,” they say
“Really.” I answer, “is it a feel good movie?”
Plenty eye rolling
You get the gist.
#I thought the movie had some hilarious dialogue and scenes as well. Their mother could have been any Nigerian mother with their plenty drama.
Anyway I love anything that makes me laugh..
I read the original Pride and Prejudice some decades ago when I was about 12 so my recollection wasn’t very good and hence I sat down to see the movie with an open mind – free of preconceptions (pun intended).
The interesting part of this obsession for me is that I am actually indifferent about the male lead. I liked them together and the chemistry was cute but it was the female lead I actually fell in love with. I think her beauty just undermines everything else around her.
But it was the love between Balraj and her sister I preferred. In short, let me confess, it was Balraj I liked. If they had replaced her sister with an inflatable doll I probably would not have noticed let alone cared. I think with age and time, I have gotten over the enemies-at-first-then-lovers-later kind of romance. The he-sees-her-likes-her-and-can’t-keep-his-hands-off-her type is the one I root for now. I know the story was not about them but I wish they’d had more lovey dovey scenes.
My favourite scenes:
#The point where Balraj spotted her on the balcony and stood transfixed with his mouth half open (priceless)
#The part where Ash was smiling and clapping with her sister on the balcony. Her smile was exceptional abeg.
#Balraj’s dancing. I think I just have a mini crush.
#The two-second pool scene with Balraj and Jaya. Why, biko did we not see more?
#At the garba where Balraj had his hair pulled back. I am not sure what the feeling that gave me is called.
#The wedding where he was Not Kissing his bride. These Indians and their propriety sef. Just frustrating people for nothing.
The lines that I loved:
#Indira translating the songs for Darcy. I like her too. She seemed to be in a perpetual state of amusement.
#Mya the amebo reporting Lakhi to Lakota. I laffed tire. Siblings are the same everywhere.
#When the mother was complaining at breakfast and Lakhi was mimicking her.
#Lakhi to Johnny ” what are you looking at? Look at me.”
#Their mother’s lament: “my fate is to live in that old house full of spinsters with no grandchildren.” Talk about drama queenship!
Another thing I liked: the wooing.
I wonder why people here don’t woo like that. All the fun trips and parties. And helicopter rides and everything.
I find myself wondering if it is the economic crunch or the hustle, that ensures every waking moment is spent on the grind, that prevents proper wooing. Dating is so boring these days and mechanical. Abi is it just film people that are confusing me?
I found this two-year old post in my drafts, along with 60-ish other posts that may or may never get published. I wonder why I never published this. Maybe I could not think of a proper ending. Oh well, manage am like that.
The reason women seem to be fighting the whole notion of submission in marriage is because most of us come from a long line of women who have been enslaved and/or oppressed by their spouses. No human alive, if given a choice, would submit to an oppressor.
And that is the way the devil works:
he takes something the good Lord has instituted and convinces people to abuse it. Then he inspires some other people to rise up against, not just the abusers, but the entire institution itself.
That’s exactly what he has done with giving/tithing.
But you see, no one throws away an entire basket of fruit because three of the fruit had worms in them.
But I digress.
I heard someone (my pastor, actually) say leadership is not domination.
You see, when God put the man as the head of the home, the intention was for him to lead, not dominate. Man was given dominion over the earth and other creatures, not over his kind (Gen 1:26). And the job description for the leader in the home is actually written in the Bible, but world people no go ever gree say them see that one.
The genesis (pun intended😆) of husbands lording it over their wives came after The Fall. It was actually a curse (Gen 3:16).
And I know enough about God to know that His nature is anything but sexist.
It is an inherent lack of emotional maturity which makes people, who find themselves in positions of authority, use this authority to attempt to suppress the next person.
And it’s not a phenomenon uncommon to humanity, it is everywhere:
Even a child who is made the class prefect over their other classmates, more often than not uses that position to earn themselves privileges often at the expense of others. Often forgetting that they are all mates and that being asked to lead them does not of itself, change that fact.
At work, one may be put in charge of drawing up the roster and suddenly, they feel barking orders now come with the territory. When in actual fact, what that should mean is that if there are any extra shifts, then it lies on one to take them; if someone doesn’t show up, it becomes one’s responsibility to cover that shift; if everyone wants Christmas day off, then one would have to make the sacrifice to work Christmas day. That is leadership.
Unfortunately, there is only a minuscule fraction of human beings who have this understanding as well as the maturity to follow through.
I don’t envy men- never have and probably never will. If they understood the huge responsibility that comes with being called to lead, they would not be in such a hurry to demand submission.
My whatsapp status yesterday, I think, summarises this very nicely :
In the light of recent events, it has become imperative to put up this disclaimer:
If in 2018, you plan to ‘find wife’ for any of the following reasons:
#1 you are tired of eating “iya Basirat”.
#2 you visited me and decided you wanted your house as tidy as mine.
#3 you want a fine geh that wee born twins for you.
#4 you want to marry a “profeshiona”.
#5 your mother is getting old and is disturbing you for grandchildren.
#6 you are tired of all this oppression -you too want to be hosting Christmas and Easter dinners at your house.
#7 you want someone who will look after your children while you go and ‘hang with the boys’, and return home at 2am daily.
#8 housework haff tire you.
#9 that 5k a month that you pay Uduak for doing your laundry can cook two-and-a-half pots of soup o.
#10 you need a son who will inherit your two shops at Alaba and the one at Aspanda.
My brethren, if your spouse-hunt is motivated by any of the above, biko kindly jump and pass when you reach my ‘dormot’. This is a new year we are about to enter and walahi I am all ‘Jesus-ed’ out. I will go HAM on any statements that do not portray sense and the fear of God. Okwa maka ndi ‘had I known.’
If people that fear God haff finish in this country, las las we pack to Australia. Make I kuku born half caste sef, at the end of the day.
And finally, lest I forget: if you also think getting married is your way of giving back to society by helping a hapless spinster out of singlehood and misery, please and please respect your ancestry by remaining in your village this Christmas, biko. We are talking it small small now o. Eh hehn.
You see my problem with all this tithing and non-tithing debate……
Who forced you?!! If you are not convinced about paying tithes or the blessings of sowing and reaping; if you have been tithing out of coercion or fear of damnation; if you sincerely believe the tithe you have been paying in church could have helped your life better, then I have news for you:
You have been wasting your money.
Kuku keep it and buy extra credit or a new pair of shoes. The Bible says God loves a cheerful giver, so if you ever find yourself giving grudgingly there is no need, just pocket your money. The Bible also says anything not done in faith is sin, so if you are not tithing in faith it is kuku sin so you might as well pick a struggle that is less likely to give you a stomach ulcer.
If however you are not “dashing all your money to one greedy pastor”, may I now please ask you what konsai you in this matter? Why on earth are you drinking paracetamol for headache that is not worrying you? Is it your dash? Or your money? Abi your greedy?
If and when we come to seek your counsel- or come to beg you for school fees/house rent- feel free to lecture us on our financial “stupidity”. But until then, how about you put your mouth where your money actually is.
You live by hustle, we get. You have worked your fingers off for every single thing you’ve ever had. We totally understand. But you see, some of us haven’t. We couldn’t even.
We’d much rather live off grace. That’s the only life we’ve ever known.
I have always had a thing for older men.
People tend to see a younger woman-older man couple and think, “she’s with him for his money,” or “daddy issues,” but I beg to differ. I do acknowledge that this is sometimes the case, but more often than we may realise, it is not. Of course if said man is married then that is nothing more than a union of prostitutes, but there are legitimately single older men- whether divorced, widowed or just never been married.
I was saying to someone today that I honestly would not mind a 15-year (or so) age difference and their eyeballs almost popped out. But really. And my reason is actually very simple: having been on both sides of the divide I can say, without fear of contradiction, that older men are way more mature than their fine-boy-no-pimples counterparts.
Let us begin with the toasting process:
If an older man is interested in you, you are unlikely to ever be in doubt of his intentions. Not only would he make it very clear that he wanted you, he would also let you know exactly what for. So if he’s just looking for a good time,he doesn’t mince words or give mixed signals; ditto for if he’s looking for commitment. I love the way they are so direct and don’t have the time for ‘wasan yara.’
Of course it does stand to reason because there’s a certain quiet confidence that comes with age and one loses a lot of the hang-ups they acquired in adolescence.
Then there’s the fact that discussions between the both of you rarely morph into heated arguments. No raising of voices and attempting to ‘win by intimidation.’ These men know that you do not raise your voice, you improve your argument. Simpo!
I find it uncomfortable being with people who cannot argue quietly. Maybe it’s all the shouting they shouted at us while we were growing up, but I have developed a certain abhorrence for loud voices.
Then they have stories! When someone has been around for a while, there’s usually almost nothing that hasn’t happened to them, so them dey always get gist. You get to hear things that leave you in awe and wonder. And the people they’ve met, known, lunched with…… people you’ve probably only read about or seen on tv. I can’t lie, those things unconsciously elevate him a little higher in your eyes.
And last but by no means the least, men in their 40s and 50s still belong to the generation that believed in spoiling their women. So if you happen to be with them, they pull out all the stops: both the little and grand gestures. Things like coming to take you out for lunch everyday during your lunch-break, even if they have to drive from across town, are not uncommon. Surprise tickets to somewhere or the other just because you had a rough week. Sending cake to your office for no reason at all. Driving from Ikeja to Surulere to pick you up from work every evening because ‘house-job is sucking your blood, ‘ the list does not end.
Those ones understand romance. Not this instagram generation(ndi “have you eaten?”)that awon feminists have now even helped to justify their ‘romantic laziness’ in the name of gender equality. Until you push a baby out of your delicates, sweerat ain’t nothing equal about us mbok. To each his own lane. But that is a post for another day.
Of course there are men who were alive before Obasanjo became Head of State and are still stuck in the oral phase. Those ones are easy to spot sha once they open mouth; and they are the ones you are likely to find joining children that ASUU kept at home, to abuse other people on instagram.
There are of course, cons to this older man business, chief of which is that by the time one is getting to the height of their active stage as per ‘oza room’ tins, uncle would have already plateaued and maybe even begun his descent down the slope. So there may be some frustration in the years to come.
But again, that is gist for another jobless day.
Apparently, as a Nigerian geh, bathing twice a day is non-negotiable. It had never occurred to me as such, as nightly rituals mostly consisted of feet-and-face-washing (as I have near-dormant sweat glands, I’m certain I smell exactly the same at the end of the day as I did at the beginning; whether or not you agree is for ya pocket). Proper baths only occurred twice a day in special circumstances.
Recently, however, with the looming threat of an end to singlehood, I began to have a rethink. Parraps these unwritten rules existed for a reason……
Then I spent one or two nights in the house of a friend who has been in the matrimony business for nearly 3 decades and she echoed my sentiments. It came in the form of advice against my scant nocturnal rituals. Apparently, it was a habit I had to master before I made that long trek down the aisle.
I then decided to seek the opinion of one of my married contemporaries. She could not be bothered with including an extra shower visit a day to her already long list of responsibilities, except of course, when events looked like they were about to take an interesting turn. My, very legitimate, concern about this was that it put paid to any thoughts of spontaneity- and what is life if not for spontaneous moments.
So, bottom line: if you are female and Nigerian, twice-daily bathing is an important prerequisite for conjugal bliss.
Here is where things got interesting: of all (read both) the females interviewed, none (neither) could remember their menfolk ever returning the favour. In essence, it was alright for the men to climb into bed, right next to the squeaky body they had taken time and strength to bathe just for him, reeking of sweat and regret.
If I am going all Snow White and the Holy Temple, better don’t appear smelling like Iron Bracket or the deal is off! It actually does not take much to get a woman turned off by the way so………
You know how they say women are multi-taskers and men are one-track minded?
Well, I’ve been a woman for over 3 decades and I still haven’t got the hang of this multi-task thing. I face one project and face it squarely; when it’s done I move on to the next one.
It has even caused problems between myself and some people with their unrealistic expectations. A Jack of all trades is…… (fill in the blanks).