In the light of recent events, it has become imperative to put up this disclaimer:

If in 2018, you plan to ‘find wife’ for any of the following reasons:

#1 you are tired of eating “iya Basirat”.

#2 you visited me and decided you wanted your house as tidy as mine.

#3 you want a fine geh that wee born twins for you.

#4 you want to marry a “profeshiona”.

#5 your mother is getting old and is disturbing you for grandchildren.

#6 you are tired of all this oppression -you too want to be hosting Christmas and Easter dinners at your house.

#7 you want someone who will look after your children while you go and ‘hang with the boys’, and return home at 2am daily.

#8 housework haff tire you.

#9 that 5k a month that you pay Uduak for doing your laundry can cook two-and-a-half pots of soup o.

#10 you need a son who will inherit your two shops at Alaba and the one at Aspanda.

My brethren, if your spouse-hunt is motivated by any of the above, biko kindly jump and pass when you reach my ‘dormot’. This is a new year we are about to enter and walahi I am all ‘Jesus-ed’ out. I will go HAM on any statements that do not portray sense and the fear of God. Okwa maka ndi ‘had I known.’

If people that fear God haff finish in this country, las las we pack to Australia. Make I kuku born half caste sef, at the end of the day.

And finally, lest I forget: if you also think getting married is your way of giving back to society by helping a hapless spinster out of singlehood and misery, please and please respect your ancestry by remaining in your village this Christmas, biko. We are talking it small small now o. Eh hehn.