When Yours Truly was still a hopeful twenty-something and lived in Lagos, she happened to work somewhere on the mainland.
It may or may not have been her first day on the job, but all she remembers is that it was time to go home and she had developed palpitations at the thought of the commute ( this may or may not have contributed to her eventual relocation from the madness that was the once-upon-a-capital-city).
Anyways, she had just bade the gateman farewell when one of the ‘ogas’ of her workplace drove past…..and stopped.
Hallelujah! She thought to herself, God is ever so gracious.
As it turned out, oga was even going her way! So she arranged herself comfortably in the front seat and inhaled the sweet smell of air-conditioning on a Lagos afternoon. Somehow, the journey did not end in front of her close, as she had expected, but at a Big Fish restaurant somewhere close to home.
But since no human being with intact faculties can say no to point-and-kill, she did not mind at all. After a lively conversation and an even livelier dinner, the evening ended in front of her close; but so did oga’s propriety.
Oga (while his hand was stealthily making its way towards the thigh of Yours Truly): So what are your plans this weekend?
Yours Truly (cheerfully pretending like she could not see where that was going): It’s going to be very busy. Apart from being on call, I have two months’ worth of laundry to do and a church programme to attend.
Oga: So you won’t have time to go and see even one movie with me?
Yours Truly: Ah no o, SIR ( heavily emphasised). This una work no gree person see road to flex.
Oga: Hmmmm. We’ll talk about this later sha, let me not keep you (after hand had made several unsuccessful attempts to snake up Yours Truly’s thigh).
After imagining that she’d escaped lewd oga’s attention – at least for one night – Yours Truly climbed into bed a couple of hours later and beheld a BlackBerry message on her, well, BlackBerry.
Oga: Still stuck in traffic at mile 2 o. Can you imagine!
Yours Truly: Wow! Eyya. It is well. What happened?
Oga: I don’t know. I’ve been in one spot for over an hour. I’m so sad.
Yours Truly (in Yours Truly’s head): *how is this one now my konsai? I want to sleep mbok*
Oga: Tell me something sweet.
O dikwa egwu!
Yours Truly: Jesus loves you.
End of conversation….. and harassment.