Rule Number Four#

Ensure that you utilise every given opportunity to save money for The Organisation even if it is just twenty naira. The Lord who sees in secret will reward you openly, but since you have no intentions of waiting until the Lord’s reward comes, you have to bring your penny-pinching efforts to oga’s notice so that he can reward you in a more timely fashion.

Of course, since money saving opportunities do not manifest themselves regularly you might on occasion have to create them by yourself. It may only mean that some people are cheated out of their dues once in a while but that is simply what is called ‘collateral damage’. All is fair in love and war……and corporate climbing.

Rule Number Five#

You have to (in fact it is highly imperative that you) learn to ‘talk the talk.’

All your little speeches need to be peppered with terms like ‘goodwill, above and beyond, etc etc’. This will be a useful tool if you are to execute rule number four effectively.

For instance, when you are trying to make an argument against paying a staff member for working outside their job description or regular hours, it will go something like, “members of staff are encouraged to go above and beyond, hence should not expect to be paid for working outside their normal shifts.”

These altruistic words of yours are sure to reach oga’s ears through the extremely efficient ‘Information Network’ but in order not to leave anything to chance (or somebody’s selective amnesia) ensure that these thoughts are conveyed via email and copied to everyone that matter- including the man at the top.

If however, you happen to be the affected member of staff, you reserve the right to pull out the employee handbook or the Nigerian constitution (whichever has what you need) and defend your right to be duly compensated for taking on a responsibility that was not primarily yours.

The truth is, with all the huge ‘sacrifices’ you have been making for the betterment of The Organisation a few grand here and there is the least they could do as a token of their appreciation. Rest assured that within 24 hours an email from the top would have been sent to the accounts people, titled ‘APPROVED.’

By this time, you are definitely on cruise control and have earned even more unofficial titles as the ‘Teeth, Hair and Nails of oga when he is not on ground.’

Unfortunately, because of all the evil people on this earth and the witches in your village who will not just let you be great, you will have to learn one more very important rule:

Rule Number Six#

Thou shalt must acquire the ability to go from 0 to 180 in 0.00015 seconds flat.

Let me illustrate.

There are times when some of your back-biting will backfire through no fault of yours (yes, despite the fact that you spend your entire Wednesday evenings in church binding, casting and laminating all the witches in your village, some of these witches are unnecessarily stubborn and some of them even have friends who come to loosen them at night after you have wasted precious hours binding).

For example, you may one day accidentally learn that one of your colleagues whom you have been running down incessantly, is in fact a very important fixture in oga’s bed life. I know that these discoveries can be heart-breaking and there would come with them the temptation to go and confess your sins to the Lord and pray for pardon. DO NOT give in to that foolish temptation. It is from the pit of hell! If we were going to go the christian way, would we not have gone from the beginning ni? Is it after all this effort when one is about to eat the fruit of one’s labour that they will now allow one annoying conscience to come and pour sand sand in one’s garri?


My brethren, if you find yourself in such a position do not fret, the solution is simple: Do a rapid 180.! Immediately turn from chief castigator to bosom friend. In fact, bosom friend, cheerleader and confidante. And this will be surprisingly easy because when that discovery becomes an open secret, aunty-important-fixture will suddenly find herself at the receiving end of a lot of ‘beef.’ People who could not stand each other before will unite against this ‘enemy/usurper.’ Luckily, this will leave a very big loop hole which you could easily fill because at this time, aunty will need all the allies she can get and will not think twice about forgiving your earlier transgressions and becoming BFFs with you.

Beggars cannot be choosers.

During that time a lot of secrets will be leaked to you. I cannot say it is your responsibility to leak those secrets to the world but if you had the habit of controlling your tongue in the first place, you would not have climbed this high. So if you, via circumstances beyond your control, happen to say more than you should, do not worry. It is not a treasonable felony.

Keep your calm while vehemently abusing the person who spread the gist which he heard from the person that was told by the person that was told by the person you told not to tell anybody. In any case, aunty would probably get the bulk of the blame anyway, because who told her to go and open her mouth and be telling you of all people all her innermost secrets. Serves her right!

In conclusion, Dearly Beloved, wisdom, they say, is the application of knowledge. With this abundance of knowledge that has been made available to you on a platter of gold, there should be nothing that can stand in the way of you and your ambition.

If however, you are a holy-nweje who cannot condescend to such levels, and you stubbornly kept reading even after you were warned very early to desist; and you continue to knock other people’s hustle and complain about how their ways are not pure and bla bla bla, all I have for you is this very sound advice from my paternal great aunt’s first cousin, twice removed:

“If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!”


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