A RANT A DAY.

Biko nu! All these young boys that imagine that because they now have a 9-5 and small change in their pockets, they can now start throwing words like ‘marriage’ and ‘wife’ around had better park well.
A lot of things have been said about marriage, but one recurring theme is: it is NOT for children. Hence, if you are still struggling to attain mental puberty, marriage should be nowhere on your to-do list for now.
And FYI:
A job does not a man make.
Some change in the bank does not a man make.
The possession of secondary sexual characteristics so does not a man make.

If you recognise yourself in any of the following then nwoke m, you should be thinking of how to finish growing instead of threatening people’s children with marriage:

  • You imagine that because you can pay for her ticket, a girl you are STILL TOASTING should drop whatever she’s doing begin come find you. Where I come from, it is the men that chase women o, so if she lives in Abeokuta then uncle, you should chase her reach Abeokuta! Not sitting your pre-pubertal ass in Sokoto or wherever and asking “so when are you coming down here?” Shior!
  • Just because you bought a girl lunch/dinner/whatever, in your mind’s eye this now gives you license to manhandle her. The one wen dey pain me pass na the ones wey dem go just manage to escort for a few drinks and instead of dropping the girl off respectably, will now want to be forming kiss by moonlight.  Unto whish levels naa? Nothing person no go see in the hands of these churen.
  • You view a recount of your sexual history as appropriate conversation for a first date. For these ones, I have no words at all.
  • You feel the need to constantly remind people that you are a man. Newsflash honey, if you really were, chances are we would have already noticed. No need to keep shoving reminders down our throats.
  • You view every discussion as an argument you must win or your (imaginary) pride is wounded.
  • You cannot handle constructive criticism. Any male that does not know when to shelve that ego and take correction is a boy. Period.

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This list is by no means exhaustive but hand I don dey pain me.

And if you did not see yourself in any of the aforementioned, before you start running off to somebody’s father with a keg of palm wine ask the nearest adult to reassess you please. Because one common trait amongst children is an amazing lack of insight.  If you have been assessed and given a clean bill of health, then feel free to carry go.

*Disclaimer: the above is the opinion of the writer, and whilst you are free to disagree to the extent of your choosing, do not imagine you can change her mind with any arguments/points you think you have. Save all that energy for marriage*

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LOVE & MARRIAGE; HORSE & CARRIAGE?

This is a transcript of a blackberry conversation I had with a friend last night. Tweaked it a bit to protect identities and get rid of the boring bits, otherwise….

I’d like to hear (abi read) your thoughts:

Friend: So why d’u think ppl should get married.

NINa: Because, and I quote:

Two are better than one, and they will have a good reward for their labour. For if the one falls his fellow will lift him up, but woe to him that standeth alone.

Friend: I don’t agree with you. Friends can do much of that for anybody. Good friends. That’s not enough reason to get married.

NINa: Wait let me finish. As I was saying:

Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? (Ecc 4:9 AMP).

Friend: Jeez! You bore me to death.

NINa: I bore you to death? I’m interested in knowing why.

Friend: Well, shouldn’t there be a more fundamental and universal reason to get married, not necessarily a Bible quote?

What if I weren’t a Christian?

NINa: I’m sorry hon, but that’s all you are likely to get from me ever. Fundamental and universal did not invent marriage, God did.

Your so-called fundamental and universal have managed to screw up the institution of marriage big time and make a mess of the whole thing.

So(and I think I speak for all wise people) it’s back to the drawing board. Or the manufacturer’s manual, if you will. But it’s okay if what you want is a ‘fundamental and universal’ argument. You are just not going to get it from me.

Friend: Hmmm. I see

What and what are you looking for in a man you’ll consider husband material?

NINa: The list is always long ni.

Friend: Don’t start with God fearing. Have never understood what that means

NINa: But there are a few basics which are non-negotiable. However, I fear I may bore you to death.

Friend: Lmao! Don’t wori, I’ll be long suffering dis time.

NINa: I think you never understood what ‘God-fearing’ means because 99% of the people you hear it from don’t have a clue either. They just say it cos it sounds right.

Friend: Lol. I think for once we’re on the same plate

NINa: Hmmm. Maybe I should finish first before you decide we r on the same plate abi cup.

NINa: 🙂

Friend: Lol ok.

NINa: Can two walk together except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3).

For me, that has always been the most important thing- compatibility.

And the area of spiritual compatibility is for me, the most important. If we get past that stage, we can start looking at other areas

Friend: Ok yea, compatibility pretty much summarises everything. Emotional, financial, spiritual compatibility

But d’u think you can be under a man? As in completely obedient, in every sense of the word? Like the bible admonishes women?

NINa: Oh of course. Which is why spiritual compatibility is too important.

Because God’s most important command is to love. And not the flowers and chocolate love. The 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Friend: Can you be subservient to someone like me all the days of ur life?

NINa: You see, if( or let me say when) I am married to somebody whom I know will always put my needs above his, submitting wouldn’t be a biggie.

Friend: You’re being fairly too idealistic with all these, scriptures, good as they are; men are fairly the same. That’s the catch; there’s no fire proof guarantee that he’ll continue to put ur needs above his.

And will you put his needs above yours? All the days of ur life?

NINa: Lemme chill for u to finish then I can make my point.

Friend: Is there any guarantee of that? No

Nobody has everything planned out

The future is where you put ur very next and every step

Nothing is guaranteed

Oya fire!

NINa: Let me bore you a bit by telling you some fundamental truths. You may not agree, but these are things I KNOW to be true and it is upon them that I am basing my theories.

Friend: We shouldn’t mistake opinions for facts, but continue sha.

NINa: 1. God invented marriage. And it stands to reason that He would have also provided guidelines on how to run it successfully.

2. If you do not believe in the bible, NOTHING I say now is going to make any sense to you.

Do I continue?

Friend: Continue.

NINa: 3. Marriage is an extension of the normal human relationships, so if one has not learnt to walk in love with the people around them, they are not going to fare better in marriage.

4. Love is unselfish. If two people who live together are each preoccupied with looking out for the other person’s good, it won’t take a genius to figure out that that would be one very successful relationship, regardless.

5. Finally, this is a tall order. As in very tall. And that is where the ‘God-fearing’ comes in. I prefer to say ‘God-loving.’ Being a Christian does not end with goin2 church and reading the bible occasionally. It means having a relationship with God. The more you hang around Him, the more He rubs off on you. And He is the epitome of selfless love.

I can tell you that I am not where I was yesterday and definitely will not be here tomorrow.

Let me pause and hear your ‘against’ arguments.

Friend: Maybe we’re still on the same plate

NINa: :O

NINa: I am not exaggerating when I say this is the singular most surprising thing I have heard this year!

Friend: Lol.  I’m not a heathen biko.

NINa: You don’t know how happy that information makes me.

Friend: Gud to know; just that the proliferation and bastardisation of Christianity esp in Nigeria depresses me to no end.

NINa: My dear, have you ever seen any good product that does not have a counterfeit?

If an original product is rubbish, do you think people would bother producing fakes?

Friend: The blind followership doesn’t help matters either.

NINa: It’s saddening, no doubt, but the solution is not to attack it.

Friend: Lol. Pray about it?

NINa: Nope.Fight back. Not by attacking it, but by reinforcing the Truth.

For instance, instead of using social media to run-down the ones u perceive as fake, use it to propagate the Truth.

When people go online to castigate a pastor or denomination, you might not realise it, but that action is usually counter-productive for two reasons:

1. The pastor/people assume the ‘martyred’ position and the gist becomes that they are being “persecuted for righteousness’ sake”

2. You are just giving them publicity. And there’s a saying that there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Friend: I see.

Guess I’m a lil bit more enlightened.

NINa: Imagine the impression we are giving the world we are meant to be winning over. That is why unbelievers can say whatever they like about Christianity, because we are giving the impression that we are confused.

NINa: Let me round up my ‘homily’:D by creating a simple analogy:

We are both doctors, and fiercely protective of our profession abi.

Friend: Ok. Yea.

NINa: You realise that there are probably more quacks in medicine than most other professions? Would you ever like/share a Facebook status that said that doctors of these days are criminals and should be arrested(or words to that effect?).

The fact that fakes exist does not mean we should throw away the baby with the bath water.

I rest my case.

Friend: Lol.

//

THE LAZY CAD SYNDROME

This meat-market called the dating scene is all kinds of writing fodder.

The above was my Facebook status the day before yesterday, and it, along with the title, was inspired by events that had occurred a couple of hours earlier. I had met up for drinks after work with a colleague who had declared his intentions to shadow a week before. Now, I’m not wild about the idea of romance in the work-place, but when one has seen 29 Christmases and New Yam festivals and is not in any kind of relationship(real or imaginary*) talk less of being married, standards just have to start relaxing themselves and preferences become a distant memory.

Anyway, during said drink with aforementioned colleague, the inevitable quizzing began:

Him: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No I don’t.

Him: Why not?

Me: (in my mind) o juo Dolly (out loud) don’t know. Maybe I’m picky.

A beat later…

Him: Does S have a boyfriend?

S being another colleague of ours who happens to be an old old friend of mine.

Me: Not that I know of.

A lot of meaningless gist later….

Him: I really like you.

Me: Thank you

Him: I hope this my likeness will be sustained.

Me:(in my mind) WHat the /#:%

(out loud) in English please.

Him: well, if you keep doing the things which make me like you.

As far as I know, all I have ever done is walk past minding my own business, so I ask: “What things?”

And, unbelievably, he replies: “I like your teeth, your eyes and your lips.”

Hiaaa! Izzokay.

Me: uncle thank sir o, but seeing as I had nothing to do with the existence or form of the aforementioned things, I cannot take credit for them.

May I add here that all these were said with a smile. I don’t know how I managed, with all that BS. I was even drinking malt, so I can’t say it was alcohol. Either I was in a very good mood that evening( for no known reasons) or my prayers are beginning to pay off and I’ve begun to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. Because Lord knows my normal self would have been spitting fire by then.

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One more thing I forgot to say was that Mr Colleague had earlier asked if my friend, S knew he was shadowing me.

By the time I got home and began to analyze the conversation, it occurred to me that Mr C’s interest in Ms S may have been more than a passing curiosity. For all I knew he wanted all that info in case I was not able to ‘sustain’ his ‘likeness’ so he could quickly switch attentions next door. And this inspired the title of my post.

I was reminded of uni days when some boys used to actually toast two roommates at the same time. I could never understand how the few steps to the next block (or even the next room damnit!) was so much trouble that an individual would decide to go after two people who lived together.

The player-meji ness was bad enough but the laziness was just the height(abi depth) of it. It was an insult on so many levels:

1. Like he couldn’t be bothered going to the trouble to seek out another girl when your roommate was right there.

2. Or that he imagined he was such a catch that the roommate would not think to turn him down despite knowing that he was toasting you.

 Or even that she wouldn’t tell you of his atrocious behaviour.

I’m embarrassed, on behalf of the womenfolk, to say that it would not have been so rampant a phenomenon had it not been so successful an endeavour. But puh-lease! Anybody who would think to pull that totally uncreative stunt in this old age deserves to be permanently committed!

Abi am I reading too much meaning into an innocent inquisition?

P.S. That, interestingly, was not the deal-breaker of the evening. All that gibberish about sustenance….. Smh!

*One day, I shall do a post about imaginary relationships. I have been made to realise that they do indeed exist and have all the characteristics of a real one except for the one negligible fact that one of the parties is completely unaware of the existence of said relationship. Chinch anyone?*

//

The 6 Days of Christmas III

Christmas Eve

Back to mall of the Emirates as we planned to spend our penultimate day at the famous Ski Dubai. Not that we knew how to ski or anything, but we just wanted a feel of a white Christmas.

320dh later.....

320dh later…..

I have discovered though, that I don’t care much for white Christmases. The cold was on two other levels. And that was in spite of the armour of clothing we had on. We were too miserable to even go on any of the snow park rides and everything just looked slippery and dangerous. Meanwhile some silly children were busy having a snowball fight two feet away. I was just waiting for the scapegoat whose snowball would touch me first. Them for see African wonder.

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After 45 minutes, we decided we had enough pictures to prove we had indeed seen snow, and we high-tailed it out of that Fortress of Misery. Consequently, we had A LOT of time on our hands(the snow-park had been scheduled as an all day event. Hmmph!)and decided to pass the rest of the day- you guessed it- shopping.

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The 6 Days of Christmas (II)

Day Four

Day four of six,  and the only activity we had partaken in so far was shopping. Our limbs, tummies and most especially our debit cards were the worse for wear. Hence, we decided we would spend the day chilling at the beach and probably later take a dhow from Abra dock to the gold souk to see what all the hype was about.

on the shuttle

We seemed to be the only ones interested in going to the beach on that day, judging by the emptiness of the shuttle bus. We soon discovered why: the cold that day eh! People were scurrying past in hooded jackets, we were sauntering about scantily clad. And as chics na, we no suppose dey feel such pedestrian things as cold but my teeth so did not get the memo o. The 32 of them were shamelessly chattering like say tomorrow no dey. Smh!

The sun finally came out sha and more humans joined us on the beach. Most were in various degrees of nakedness so pictures were seriously limited.

The sun finally came out sha and more humans joined us on the beach. Most were in various degrees of nakedness so pictures were seriously limited.

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Not much else happened that day; lost an earring.

Discovered an out-of-the-way(as in totally obscured) outlet mall along the jumeirah beach walk and scored a few designer stuff at half price(or so they claimed).

Didn’t take the dhow eventually, just took a cab straight to the gold souk abeg; we were in no mood for any drama that day.

Left the souk less than an hour after we arrived feeling totally ripped off(a whole gold connoisseur like me). I think it was the whole purchasing in alien currency thing that was the problem. After a while, the brain gets tired of being in currency-converter mode 24/7. Oh well.

Took the metro to the city centre first and Dubai mall next to return some things we decided we no longer wanted.

*dariz why I love obodo-oyibo*

And then home!

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